Baggage

Some people call it the "ebb and flow" of life. You know - how we live and grow and mature, it's a process or journey. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have - the Facts of Life. ... Right? We have the peaks and valleys. The wilderness and the paradise. We wander and wonder; often when we're wandering, we're wondering something at the same time.

Right now, I'm experiencing change and growth within myself that is shaping who I am. Sure, I'm on this journey every hour of every day - but lately, I've been making some decisions that have paved the path to where it is I want to be. And, it's not just the choices I'm making, but it's also how I'm responding to new possibilities old baggage. It's the choices that take us out of our comfort zone and force us to be more honest with ourselves, more honest about who we are becoming (vs) who we want to become, that are the harder ones to make.

Some people have already pointed out that I have "changed." They say that like it's a bad thing. Personally, I'm grateful for the compliment, even if they liked the old 'me' better.

Alright let's cut to the chase. I just want to say that finding a new church home is hard.

For the last 6 months or so, I've felt so completely lost at church. I've been grasping desperately at every string, trying to gain control over my status there.... am I just a parishioner? Am I a person of service? Am I a hypocrite? Am I being faithful to my God? Am I listening... not just hearing?

And then it dawned on me - I was attending the church for all the wrong reasons. I was going there every week to try and prove something to someone. Not just one some-one, but to a bunch of someones... to everyone, really, except myself. I was attending church each week for all the wrong reasons. I was going there because I felt like I had to.

And, once I realized my mistake? Once I remembered that God loves me for who I am, inside and out, and that He does not care about my role in the institution as much as He cares about and loves me for who I am... Once I gave up my pride and my insecurities, I found myself again. Once I started praying pleas for guidance and comfort, I heard my creator yelling at me - saying, "Don't you get it!? Don't you see that you're searching for all the wrong things!? You're supposed to be looking for me! I've missed you, and I am glad you're back!"

And now in a way, I feel like I've gone back in time but with this awesome and weird sense of maturity and righteousness. I've reverted back to the old happy, confident, God-loving, God-serving Maggie that I love. At the same time, I'm deeply humbled. I am reminded that I'm nothing but human. I'm humbled and grateful for God's grace, mercy, acceptance and love. I want to be more like Him. I want to follow. Despite my sinful ways, I work harder at being a faithful disciple of Jesus Christ. I will remain conscious of my biggest obstacles, and I will not let them come with me as I recommit to my journey.

Finding a new church home is anything but easy. But, finding a new church home with this greater understanding of God's mercy, grace, forgiveness, and love... well, that's a LOT easier.

Yesterday, I served in a church nursery at a "new" church in town. It's been a long time since I've worked with young kids in a Sunday School setting. That's most definitely where I need to be and undoubtedly where I am going. I'm thankful a thousand times over for the countless opportunities and possibilities in our town for serving Christ by simply using my gifts and talents while doing the things that I love. Now, I just need to find the right establishment for me. But, the task isn't nearly as daunting now as it was when I first began. It's exciting, and comforting, and ...fun.

I can let the old, stressed, worn out baggage take another flight and still hold onto the sentimental, meaningful, important memories of having it around. I am letting go of the baggage so that I can better know Him who loves me.

When God doesn't get through to me with nudges, clues, "coincidences" and whispers, He sure speaks loud with pushes, pulls, and strategic positioning.

For those of you "non-Christian" readers out there, I say to you - thanks for reading and thereby supporting my quest to simply be a better person inside and out. :)