On Transparency

I like to think that I'm pretty transparent. When I'm among friends, and sometimes family, I am open and honest about myself. Even this blog was created to help keep myself transparent - so that I'm able to hold myself accountable, seek feedback, share my journey, and self-reflect. When it comes to my spiritual journey, my daily activities, my thoughts on random things - I find myself sharing. The reason is simple : Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I want to be included in the journey of others. I want to be "in" on the current happs of my friends and loved ones. So, I feel compelled to be open as well.

While I maintain that I am completely transparent with those that I love and deeply trust, I do find myself being a bit obscure with people I do not know so well, or with folks who have betrayed my trust. I'm quick to share all things positive and wonderful, but find myself ignoring the tough times - those moments in my life which, perhaps, are the most transformational. I'm starting to wonder if I'm being fair.

Truth be told that, lately - life has been pretty good to me! I have my sour days, my sour thoughts, my bad moods, my destructive attitudes .... but they are pretty far and few between. And, I choose not to blog about those as much because I want to be a positive, upbeat person. I also know from experience that my sour moods don't last more than a few hours at most. I'm pretty resilient and bounce back with a little prayer and a plan.

I want to bring joy and happiness to people. All kinds of people. People who read my blog. People I run into while living life. People on facebook. People everywhere. I am really aspiring to find more ways to bring joy to complete strangers - though, I admit, this is my biggest struggle. (It's hard for an introverted, shy, mostly quiet person like myself to exude joy in public, for some reason.) It's for this reason that so many of my blog posts, my Facebook status updates, my responses when people ask me how it's goin' are all pretty much focused on looking up, staying positive, and being a source of joy and encouragement.

While I was thinking about this transparency... who I am, and how I communicate with others - it dawned on me: Maybe I'm not always being completely honest. Maybe in sharing my praises all the time and not sharing my struggles and challenges, I'm not being honest with the very people I'm trying to be transparent with. And the core definition of transparency includes complete honesty.

Self-discoveries like this one are hard to swallow. It's hard for me to admit that I haven't always been 100% truthful in my journey. I want to take the easy way out and just apologize for it and move on. In fact, part of me wants to simply declare that being transparent is not a virtue, but a vice. That way, I can continue on with my high horse and keep on keepin' on - sharing all things wonderful and holding secret the challenges and strife that I encounter. And, I can blame that irresponsible behavior on this idea that transparency is not a respectable quality. But, I know better than that. After all, it's not the transparency that is unattractive, but the dishonesty.

I'm learning about myself. I'm growing and constantly trying to be a better Christ-follower. There may be dips in the road, or I might even take a wrong turn. But, being a disciple is not about doing things the easy way or the right way, it's not about joining small groups or making commitments to change ... it's simply about living a life that makes God proud.

So here's my conclusion: Yes, I want to be transparent. I want you to be able to see right through me. Those who know me "in real life" already get to experience my emotions first hand, because I wear them right on my sleeve. I do not hide my feelings well, nor do I want to. But, this idea of being REAL is taking hold of me. In an effort to further develop my relationship with the One who created me, my plan is to embrace it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the inspiring, the discouraged, and the confused. I hope to make myself more vulnerable. I have a reliable enough support system to feel comfortable doing that. I've nothing to lose, but possibly a greater understanding of myself to gain.