Here's one of those TMI, ((*I should keep my personal life personal and stop blogging my problems to the whole wide world, but I just can't shake it and so now you get to read about it*)) kind of posts. Do what you want with it. I just need to get this out of my system.
A few of my readers know and understand the (non)relationship that I have with my mom. At this point in time, it's very spurious. We talk on the phone once every few months, for 20-30 minutes at a time, usually gabbing pointlessly about the weather or bugs or plans for the upcoming weekend. Once in a great while, we'll learn something about one another, like when I found out she was moving to Arizona or when she found out that Rebecca was born. Big news like that usually grants two or three phone calls within the same month or two, but only for one of us to show our recognition to the other... a sign of respect by giving congratulations.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this (non)relationship at this point. Most of the time, I go about my business content and happy with the loving relationships that I have in my family. I am super thankful to still have my mom for phone calls once in a while, even if the calls can be brief and trifling. I'm really lucky that my mom still wants to talk to me at times, and I take that in stride, usually content with just that. As my mom used to say all the time, "It could always be worse." She'd say that about anything - noting that our complaints and problems in this world could always be worse than they already are... She'd remind us to not take for granted that which we already have.
But, sometimes I just want my old mom back. Sometimes I just wish I could repair whatever is broken in her, broken in me, and permanently damaged in our relationship. Sometimes, like right now, I just want to reverse the calendar back to 1995 when my relationship with my mom was super strong and I felt enveloped by her love, support, and pride. There's so much about my mom that I deeply miss. There's so much to her that she, herself, as forgotten about - and on days like today I just want to find her, hug her, tell her she is loved, tell her life is good, that God is good, and I just want to cry on her shoulder for a few days.
But, that's never going to happen. Because she's not really there anymore. I don't know her anymore, no matter how badly I wish I did. And if she reads this someday? If she follows my blog, I just want her to know how much I miss her. And how much I love her - unconditionally.
If mom and I had the kind of relationship that I fancy, I'd be able to call her today (and she'd answer the phone) and we'd be able to talk for an hour or more about everything under the sun - and then I'd tell her all about the nightmare I had last night. The one about how I thought I was attending her wedding, how it was funny to watch all the people get mom all dolled up for a wedding -- the flowers, the lighting, the church, the photographer, the wedding party -- going through all the typical wedding stuff... how I thought that was so fun to be a part of, how much I loved that - up until the point when I saw her in her black wedding gown and realized it was not her wedding I was attending, but her funeral.
I'd tell her about how I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, crying - and I'd tell her how badly I wanted to go back to sleep so that I could spend more time with her again. But, in this fanciful world, mom would laugh at me, say I'm ridiculous and remind me that we'll see each other again soon.
For now, while the fantasy is still stuck in the back of my mind, I'll keep my feet grounded on reality. I must remember that I cannot change things. I've already tried. I can only remain strong, stable, and consistent and hope that this is enough. I miss her like crazy, but each new day is another 24 hour set of choices, prayers, and reflection. I must never forget that, indeed, it could always be worse. Be thankful for what you have. Relish the strong, healthy relationships that are everywhere. Enjoy your life. Have no regrets. Continue to hope. Always pray.
To my readers, I say this: Go hug your mom.
2 comments:
oh maggie. there are so many things i want to say. i want to give you a hug! i dont get along with my mother as well as id like for reasons that go unknown ... the words you typed are the things i feel at times about my own relationship. remember you are loved and your family and God is your rock.
Maggie here's another hug.
And I am undrstanding really realistically truthfully about my parents/childhood now more than I ever did.It took my Mother's pasisng for me to face it. Do I end our relationship or keep it alive. I am slowly letting go. Not easy but way more healthy.
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