Lately, I feel as though I'm pretty forgettable. I don't say that out of self-pity or in a mood of remorse. I am only reflecting on a few things that God has been bringing to my attention.
When I was younger, a preteen and teenager particularly, I wanted to be forgettable. I hid in the shadows cast by my enormous family. Well, my family itself isn't enormous - but their accomplishments or lack thereof have been pretty significant. I was comfortable being in the background. I was a happy wallflower - just soaking in my surroundings without any convictions. I became very self conscious because I never learned proper social skills - and to this day, I still declare myself socially inept. In high school and during the summer between high school and college, I was afraid to order sliced ham at the deli counter of my local grocery store, because I didn't know if I could correctly place my order. And even then, if I practiced what I wanted to say to the deli clerk, I was certain that I would be too quiet and meek to be heard. I didn't mind it that way. I bought my deli meat prepackaged, I used the drive through banking so that I wouldn't have to go in and actually talk to someone, I even took as many college courses online as I could, so that I could be alone in my studies. It wasn't that I didn't want to be included, it was just that I didn't know how to accept inclusion. I was a fly on the wall everywhere I went, and whenever people would talk to me or include me in their activities, it would bring me so far out of my comfort zone that I'd vow to be a recluse for weeks on end, until the fear would pass enough for me to leave the house again.
Thankfully, I changed a lot when I went off to college. During my years at CSU, I encouraged myself to take advantage of small social opportunities. I did a lot of observing - I let others teach me through example. I never did fit in anywhere when I was at college, but I gained a lot from my experiences with my peers. And anyway, fitting in did not concern me... I was very used to being the odd one out.
And now, several years later, I'm able to function well in society as a responsible citizen, even buying meat at the deli counter and exchanging pleasantries with strangers. My husband and I together have managed to make a few friends. I no longer have such overwhelming fears or a low self esteem. I'm pretty happy with who I am these days, especially with the person I am becoming. But every once in a while, my insecurities will get the best of me, and I will find myself over thinking situations. Perhaps this post is a demonstration of that.
Last night, I had a very vivid dream. It was a memory from my past, the dream is a true story of a boy I knew while I was in high school. He did not attend my high school - I think he was a young drop out... he lived right in inner city Denver, about 20 minutes from my comfortable suburban home. The story of how we met is not important, but he and I ended up talking and hanging out - getting to know each other over the phone and at common hang out spots - like the mall. We became really good friends, in a platonic, brother-sisterly way... and that's how it went for a whole school semester. This kid and I never "dated" or anything like that - we were just good friends who hung out almost every weekend. In fact, when he got himself a girlyfriend, thats when we quit hanging out. It was not a significant loss, there were no hard feelings that followed the end of our relationship.
When I woke up this morning, I was pleased with my dream. I like being reminded of happy times during my adolescence. I liked remembering him, and remembering so clearly how good it felt to have a best friend during some tough years in my life. I woke up with fond memories of my teenage years - that doesn't happen very often.
But then, I started to wonder if he ever thinks about me. I'm sure he doesn't even remember me. I found myself wondering if anybody from my past is looking for me - if anybody remembers something about me, and wishes to reconnect. I couldn't help but wonder if I've ever made any kind of memorable impression on anybody from my adolescent years.
The funny thing, though, is that I'm pretty easy to find. I don't have anything to hide. You can find me by any of my names.. on google, facebook, myspace, classmates.com ... just about anywhere. And nobody has ever said "Finally! Finally I have found you!"
Ironically, the first notification I received this morning was on Facebook - I had an inbox message from a girl I met the day before the very first day of 6th grade. She and I were friends from 6th grade, all through High School. We made many memories together... she is probably the one who was with me when I met the boy I was remembering in my dream. Anyway, she sent me a message saying that she wishes she were better at keeping in touch, and said that she hopes my family and I are doing well.
I wrote her back on a whim, saying that I was so excited to have a rekindled friendship from way back when, and then I mentioned a few specific memories I have of when we were buddies - and she actually responded within 20 minutes. But, she said she didn't really remember any of them. She was clearly confused and trying hard to remember, but those times and places I was talking about did not have such an impression on her as they did on me. She did not even respond with any other kinds of memories - her note was very kind, but shallow nonetheless.
The story of the lost memories with my facebook friend reminded me of a short conversation I had with my pastor at church on Sunday. I was telling him about something that is important to me. I thought I was giving him an update, sharing news about something that he would remember us discussing before. But, he had no recollection of our previous conversation about it. He did not have an idea of what I was talking about.... he was lost as I blabbered on about something he didn't remember us talking about before. Sure, our first conversation on the matter was a good 4-5 months ago, but it was important enough to me that I thought he would be able to pick up where we left off. But, even with a few reminders like, "Remember? We talked about this ...at this location... at this time... remember?" he still did not recall. I don't expect him to remember... life is filled with busyness all the time, with lots of people, lots of new memories being created, lots of conversations to hold onto.
To be clear, I certainly don't expect anybody to remember everything. I mean, really, I'm only talking here about the things that are important to me. The things that are not so forgettable in my mind.
So, I wonder now - are the stories that are significant to me and prominent in my memory different from the memories that are significant and prominent to others? Of course it would seem obvious - of course I can't expect anybody to remember things exactly as I do.... my memory of 9/11 will be different from yours. That's a given. But certainly, 9/11 is not forgettable. Just as that day at the ballpark that I spent with my facebook friend is not forgettable, in my mind at least.
And then, as I thought this through this morning, more and more stories came to my mind that further proved myself to be forgettable.
I decided that I'm stuck in my old wallflower ways. It's hard to break a habit, but it's even harder to learn something new and force it to become a habit.... like speaking with confidence. Like following up in conversations to be sure that I'm heard. Like asserting myself. Like sharing my convictions and passions in a way that makes me memorable for having those convictions and passions. Like creating memories with people at are memorable. Memories and stories that we will share with others years from now. I want to be that kind of person... not a wallflower.
I am growing. I'll be grown up someday.
2 comments:
This is beautifully written IMO. And it makes my heart ache for you a bit. But I think you're right...two people might share the same memory of a time and place they spent together but the details that make that memory everlasting are what is different between them. Pete and I both remember very clearly the night we all went to the Avs game together. While I remember the beers we all shared at the bar beforehand, who sat where in our row of seats, how hard Tracy tried to get Pete's friend's phone number and what Tracy and I talked about after the game when we secluded ourselves in the back of a bar with a pitcher of cheap beer...Pete remembers that I wore two braids in my hair that night. That may bring up the difference btween men's and women's memories but still. I get your point.
Let's try one out for size...
Remember that morning after one of Brina's parties Miker got his car towed over night and he brought you to the party? Remember how I took you both to go retrieve the car? I remember approximately where the tow lot was/is located (I drive by it every so often still) and that Miker drove a burgundy Nissan Pathfinder (I admired that car at the time!). That's about all I remember. What do you remember of that same incident? This might not be the best example since I'm pretty sure we had all had quite a bit to drink the night before! But go for it anyway!
Oh Abbey - how I love you so much for REMEMBERING something, teehee!! I do remember this! I remember telling Mike that it was a no parking zone, and him saying that he always parked there during Brina's parties - so I didn't say anything more!
It's so funny to me that I remember nothing of the pary. I don't even remember the moment we found out that the car got towed, nor do I remember him calling to find out where the car was. I don't remember much about Mike that day... but I most above anything else remember you rescuing us. And I remember you making all kinds of sweet gestures to me (rolling of the eyes behind Mike's back, etc.) to help me ease up. And I remember having SO MUCH FUN going to get the car ... you completely rescued us and made the night not so horrific. You made it fun! We giggled the whole time... and I remember thinking how screwed I would have been had you not saved me, er I mean us. After all, I didn't know ANYBODY real well, and I was just a wallflower too quiet to ask for help. What I really wanted that night was for someone to drive me far away from there and take me back to my home with my cozy bed so I could curl up for forever! Instead, it was the beginning of a fabulous friendship. Awww :)
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