Following God's call to do something, be something greater than I already am has been easy for me in the past. I heard His voice and I just went. This time around, it's a lot harder. I think it's because I am my biggest critic and I've let fear and doubt creep into my mind.
It's hard to go from "I think God is calling me to start a non-profit organization to bring financial relief to families who have cancer" and acting on it right away (and being successful at creating such organization - thanks to the support system that is this loving community) to "I think God is calling me to go back to school so that I can finally be what I've always wanted to be when I grow up."
It sounds so self-serving to me. And, frankly, kind of boring.
In many ways, I think that the leap it takes to do something huge in the community is easier because I know that people will understand if I fail. They will look at my effort and nod approval at trying. If I aim for something more easily attainable - like going back to school for a teaching certificate - and I fail at that, it's embarrassing. It's hard for me to admit that I've always been scared of getting that certificate because that means I've reached a destination or a goal - and wow - what if that goal or destination isn't it.
Yes, my name is Maggie and I admit that I'm definitely an approval-junkie. Your opinion of me matters. Way too much. I recognize that -but despite and because of my thirst for your approval, I write about stuff like this.
Going back to school will be anything but boring, don't get me wrong. The thought of going back to school and challenging my mind again with peers, professors, curriculum, and guided study is exciting and would be incredibly rewarding. I just think it seems so... self-serving. So "boring" in the sense that my stories about my spiritual growth and my journey with Christ would be centered around school. And then what? A new job. That, to me and myself, is boring compared to stepping completely out of the box and tackling a responsibility that is way out of my league (such as starting a charitable non-profit).
And yet, I know it's not BORING. I know within my heart that following God's call and answering a healthy, deep-rooted desire to self-improve is anything but self-serving. Doesn't God call his people to be confident and always self-improving? I mean, if our lives are supposed to try to mirror the life of Christ, there is always room for self-improvement. And in the end, the purpose behind our every single day is to be outwardly focused. ...Perhaps going back to school and finally getting that teaching certificate will open doors for me to bring God's kingdom to Earth in more ways that I can even imagine at this time.
It's time for me to answer. I've been listening to the tug for over two years now. God whispers constantly - reminding me that it's time to "grow up" (in the sense that it's time to be what I've always wanted to be). And I've been listening, nodding, and even agreeing. But making the leap? Not so much. The financial aspect is my biggest excuse. It's my way out of the commitment and faithful dedication it takes to get a teaching license while holding a full time job and managing a family with two little kids. But, did Jesus make excuses when God called Him to service for me?
It's time for me to figure out how to make this happen. Ten years ago, when I was baptized, I told God I was "all in." It's time for me to live up to that and stop making excuses.
It sounds so self-serving to me. And, frankly, kind of boring.
In many ways, I think that the leap it takes to do something huge in the community is easier because I know that people will understand if I fail. They will look at my effort and nod approval at trying. If I aim for something more easily attainable - like going back to school for a teaching certificate - and I fail at that, it's embarrassing. It's hard for me to admit that I've always been scared of getting that certificate because that means I've reached a destination or a goal - and wow - what if that goal or destination isn't it.
Yes, my name is Maggie and I admit that I'm definitely an approval-junkie. Your opinion of me matters. Way too much. I recognize that -
Going back to school will be anything but boring, don't get me wrong. The thought of going back to school and challenging my mind again with peers, professors, curriculum, and guided study is exciting and would be incredibly rewarding. I just think it seems so... self-serving. So "boring" in the sense that my stories about my spiritual growth and my journey with Christ would be centered around school. And then what? A new job. That, to me and myself, is boring compared to stepping completely out of the box and tackling a responsibility that is way out of my league (such as starting a charitable non-profit).
And yet, I know it's not BORING. I know within my heart that following God's call and answering a healthy, deep-rooted desire to self-improve is anything but self-serving. Doesn't God call his people to be confident and always self-improving? I mean, if our lives are supposed to try to mirror the life of Christ, there is always room for self-improvement. And in the end, the purpose behind our every single day is to be outwardly focused. ...Perhaps going back to school and finally getting that teaching certificate will open doors for me to bring God's kingdom to Earth in more ways that I can even imagine at this time.
It's time for me to answer. I've been listening to the tug for over two years now. God whispers constantly - reminding me that it's time to "grow up" (in the sense that it's time to be what I've always wanted to be). And I've been listening, nodding, and even agreeing. But making the leap? Not so much. The financial aspect is my biggest excuse. It's my way out of the commitment and faithful dedication it takes to get a teaching license while holding a full time job and managing a family with two little kids. But, did Jesus make excuses when God called Him to service for me?
It's time for me to figure out how to make this happen. Ten years ago, when I was baptized, I told God I was "all in." It's time for me to live up to that and stop making excuses.
1 comment:
Go to school!
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