Socially Awkward

For the last 10 years or so, I've willingly labeled myself as Socially Awkward. There was a period during my early years of college when I was even close to being a recluse or a hermit. I was too shy to order sliced meat from the deli counter at the grocery store. I'd never answer my phone. I preferred to sit in the back of lecture halls and I wore baseball caps, pulled way down to my eyes. I had a hard time making friends (ya think?) and I knew that my behavior wasn't healthy, but didn't know how to correct it.

A lot of the people I know in real life might not believe that about me. You might think I am exaggerating.  But really, all of this is true.

I learned more about the internet during those first two years of college, thanks to some "friends" (acquaintances? associates? peers?) of mine who I noticed were always free on Friday/Saturday nights in the otherwise empty dorms.  And this started the first social life I ever really came to know...

I didn't have much of a social life in High School, as I was too busy chasing after who I wanted to be instead of embracing who I already was.  I definitely did not have a social life in Jr High because I was too busy being my brother's little sister. "Oh, you're Paul's sister!" ... I never had my own identity, as my brother was THE most popular boy in the whole city at the time. And, in elementary school - well, I suppose I was socially "normal" in elementary school. I had my group of friends that I loved and trusted, and we hung out all the time and played Barbies and such.

Anyway, it wasn't until I met my better half at the end of 2000 that I started to figure out who I am. It was at about that time that I realized that I am fine just being myself. That I didn't need to worry so much about who I am.. and instead, just to love myself for all my quirks and characteristics.  I owe so much of my Joy and Contentment to my husband, Rich. He really carried me out of the cave and into the sunlight where I could see that, despite all the awkward weirdness that was me, I was beautiful.  He helped me find ways back to my Heavenly Father - he encouraged me to seek the truth and to give water and sunlight to the bud that was seeded so long ago in my heart. The the beauty of Christ's love and acceptance.

But, I still consider myself to be mostly socially awkward.  Rich is too, so that helps (hah!) ... but at least our social awkwardness is acceptable to ourselves, ya know? I mean, we realize that God loves us no matter what... for who HE made us to be. And if God loves us no matter what -- unconditionally -- and for FOREVER -- then we ought to accept that and love ourselves the same. Unconditionally. For, we know that we are made in His image, and God? Well, he's beautiful. He's everything I want to be. Loving. Generous. Compassionate. Humble. Convicted. Just. Holy. Perfect.  And if someone like that made someone like me on purpose then I ought to feel pretty special. Not awkard, but special.

These are the thoughts that prepare me for social situations that would have otherwise seemed impossible. These are the reflections that race through my mind whenever I decide to throw myself into a room of people.  I still get scared. I still want my over-sized ball cap from 1997, but I find strength in Him who loves me.

And you know... that's working out for me. That's working out alright. It's proving to be kinda fun. Kinda rewarding and sweet. I just need to work on maintaining composure and not making a complete fool of myself. I need to gain confidence and discernment. But, good work takes a lot of time and practice.